I consider myself lucky, because I always had the faith. I grew up in a Christian home, and clearly heard that it was only God and Jesus that mattered. I went to Sunday school and enjoyed being there with good friends. Every night as a child, “Navnet Jesus blekner aldri” was sung to me before I closed my eyes. The thought that God existed and Jesus saved us was logical to me. In the congregation we were given a Bible from the age of 8. It was more drawn in than read, but I talked to God quite a bit and had experienced answers to prayer several times.

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When I was 12, I stood on the beach watching my brother and sisters get baptized. I stood with my friends. I remember one of them saying she wasn’t allowed by her parents, because they thought she was too young to make a choice. While I stood there, I felt a burning feeling that I had to be baptized. I hadn’t gone through the teaching we were meant to have before deciding to be baptized. The feeling only got stronger, and I couldn’t resist it. It was summer, so I always had a swimsuit under my clothes, to be prepared. I waited until everyone was baptized, took off my clothes until I stood in my swimsuit, and went out and said I wanted to be baptized. He did it.

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At school I had good friends, but none of them were Christians. Either they were into other gods, or many were into a lot of alternative things. I still had my faith, but I felt pulled in many directions. I no longer had such a close relationship with my Christian friends, and didn’t really feel any belonging in the congregation. I felt divided, like two people. One who appeared “perfect” to others, while the real one created a lot of unrest at home and had a lot of anger and hatred. I felt shame when I sat in meetings, I felt seen through and not worthy to sit before God.

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When I was 16, I chose to move to a Christian boarding school a few hours away from home. I looked forward to coming to a new place. I was in a girls’ Bible group belonging to the school. A leader noticed me because I didn’t have a Bible. I had misplaced it and hadn’t felt the need for a new one. Later she came to me and gave me a Bible. I started reading again, also because we had Christianity as a subject at school. I had the knowledge, so I got the top grade. Those around me saw me as “super Christian.” I felt fake, because I wasn’t able to live it out otherwise. It felt like a performance, where one looked very “holy,” but behind it were things that were unresolved.

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I missed friends at home and wanted to study landscaping. I had arranged a school spot in my hometown, found a job, and everything went according to my plan. Then my parents sold the house, and my plans fell apart. I was left without the school spot. I called another school to see if I could start there. Fortunately, they had space for me and I was able to live at the school’s boarding house. I just had to quit my job and go. We were a small group living together and grew close. Since I didn’t have a car or a driver’s license yet, and it was a small place without much bus service, I lost the Christian community I had become used to having. I blended more in with those I lived with as time went on. I mentioned that I believed in God, but didn’t have any discipleship. I sought more confirmation from people than from God.

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After finishing the year, I had arranged an apprenticeship. I got hold of an apartment and moved out on my own. Several of those from school didn’t live far away. Still, I felt a longing to find a Christian community as well. I was recommended a church and quickly felt at home there. I was invited to a Bible group some people from there had started. It was nice to see how they all brought God with them into everyday life. I wanted to become like that.

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One evening at the Bible group, I remember we had a visit from a woman who was going to speak to us. At the end of the gathering she wanted to pray for everyone. God gave her words of wisdom when she prayed for me. I was told to let go of everything I was holding on to, and to forgive. I remember she said, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.” I already knew I needed to make things right; I forgave that same evening. Later I felt God strongly put it on my heart to call and tell them that I forgave and also ask for forgiveness for what I had done. It was hard on my pride. God didn’t give up, and I eventually gave in.

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Only after I had made everything right did I feel great peace and relief. I no longer had that anger or hatred. Love came more naturally without feeling like I was acting. God gave me a great longing to know Him more. I started reading the Bible every day before work. I talked about faith to those around me, both at work and with friends. I noticed immediately that when I walked confidently and was proud of what I believed, it sparked curiosity among several who didn’t believe. They started asking me questions, and we had many good conversations about faith. I have realized that we must not hold back and be silent, but share the best we have with everyone. Because the ONLY thing we can bring with us to heaven is EACH OTHER.